Sunday, August 28, 2005

The Cave

Rating: D-

It's 1979, and I am at the theater watching Alien. No wait, it's 1986, and I'm watching Aliens. No, hold on. It's 1987, and it's Predator, no it's Alien vs Predator, it's Anaconda. Oh no, it's just The Cave.

I wish it was 1979.

The Cave didn't get a whole lot of press, and I can see why. It's the story of a bunch of scientists, cave explorers, and others that find some cave in Hungary way up in the mountains that holds some sort of treasure or something. They head down into the cave, and discover they are not alone, I guess. They have to survive and find a way out and make sure not to forget to bore the hell out of us while they do it.

The Cave gets very confusing at points. They are in the cave running around, then in the water diving or swimming or dying, and then climbing and falling or scrambling all over the place. You kinda lose track of who is where and what happens to them, which is not too bad since you really don't get the chance to know anyone or like them for that matter. They are not good guys or bad guys, they are just there. When one of them bites it, you just meet it with, "I knew that was coming. Can I have some more popcorn?" It gets to the point where you just want them to either get out or all of them die just so it will be over.

A bunch of low-level actors headline the cast. Cole Hauser plays the leader of the team who ends up sounding more like the Terminator by the end. Morris Chestnut, who is no stranger to this type of movie drivel being in 2004's Anaconda: Search for the Blood Orchid (Are you telling me there's some sort of snake orgy going on out there??), is just kinda there. There's no point in going on, they's all horrible.

The ending will have you running for the doors also.

Wait for this to come out on TV, and not pay TV, regular TV. It's not worth the paper the ticket is printed on.


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